Rise of the Palindrones
For awhile there, Michelle Obama and I were hesitantly starting to feel good about being American again. Months after his kick in the crotch of a re-election, Bush had already spent all of his political capital, foolishly and in one place. One by one, those capable of changing their minds to adapt to the realities of the world around them were forced to admit that he was a crappy President, or at least just shut their mouths when we admitted it for them. If only a few of them had been just a few weeks quicker on the uptake, but, hey, at least I don’t have to watch Bush smirk and swagger and pretend he understands something I don’t anymore.
At least, with McCain and/or Obama, things were guaranteed to get at least a little better. I’ve always liked McCain. He may be hot headed, past his prime, and possibly insane (who wouldn’t be after what he’s been through), yet he’s always been a candid, openminded and unorthodox Republican, so unorthodox that Rush and the other mullahs of right wing talk radio tried to bring him down with a fatwa. I was sure that the GOP would nominate the biblical bass playing governor or the shiny Mormon CEO, someone that would make the thought of having our country hijacked by the Red states again in November scarier than that old devil preaching on the doorstep in Poltergeist II.
“I’m asking for your vote, but I don’t really need it.”
But when McCain sealed the deal in March, I finally had a pleasant choice in front of me: praline or chocolate chip cookie dough rather than the past menus of vanilla or dog poop. At the very least we’d have a warrior hawk in place of a chicken hawk, a man saved from a POW camp instead of a barstool, someone who has shown willingness to work with the other half of our country instead of treating them like a new maid after Laura’s pearl earrings went missing.
For sprinkles there was the giddy, audacious hope of a thoughtful, hip, wordly, eloquent, non-inflammatory, and, yes, half-black dude becoming President, which, almost everyone would have to admit would be bit of a good thing for many obvious reasons. With Obama we might even finally, in my lifetime, get a truly great politician. (Don’t tell me Reagan was great because he wasn’t. Reagan was charismatic and effective. Obama is charismatic and might be great.) The best case scenario made my heart race with excitement instead of the anxious palpitations that W. triggered in 2000 and 2004. Meanwhile, the worst case scenario of McCain was far better than present reality. As much as I thought Obama was the bomb, and as much as it appalled the Obama sheep, I was still undecided. John McCain had earned my consideration through service and attempts at bi-partisan reform, and I would be listening to what they both said and watching what they both did until the big day.
And what did John McCain do to moderates like myself? He Sarah Palined us, right in the back of the head. Governor of Alaska? Mayor of Wasilla? A spunky born-again pro-life dame to siphon off the disenfranchised Hillary crowd? Had his lost his mind entirely? But, as the rest of the country reacted, it became clear that the decision was not foolhardy. No, it was calculated, cunning, and inexcusable, inexcusable because it was purely political. Barack clearly mulled long and hard about who he could best command the most powerful military in the history of the world should he get gunned down like a moose, and he came up with as respectable and sound, though dull, a choice as could be made. John McCain went for the attractive hockey mom on a mission from God, who seemed both unfamiliar with and spiteful of the workings of the government she was supposed to lead.
Why Senator McCain? Tell us why?
To help you shake up Washington?
But Senator, that’s not a VP’s job.
What is the job? Even she doesn’t know. That’s real funny. Let’s clarify, though, really, because this is kind of important. A VP’s job, especially when her P is 72 and clearly having good days and bad days, is to be ready to lead this country on Day 1. Not to get ready…the Vice Presidency is not a journey of personal discovery. Beat. Smirk. She should have spent the last 12 to 30 years getting ready, perhaps showing some interest in the doings of the United States of America (other than asking it for money and then making fun of it later for giving it to her). She should have been at least subscribing to The Economist and Foreign Affairs, becoming mildly familiar with the big crazy world she’ll be wrestling with in the case McCain has a stroke or starts smearing his own feces on the bathroom wall.
But she is not ready by any rational standard. And this is not debatable.
-Wasilla (pop. 9000) isn’t even a city. I live in a small city (pop. 20,000) which is way more complex than Wasilla, and I saw my mayor for the first time today as he gave a small speech to a small crowd in front of a giant check that the Tennis Association gave for the new courts at Memorial Field (which are great, by the way.) So, this is the type of shit mayors do, I thought, watching Jordan Glatt execute one of his actual duties and responsibilities while connecting with the tennis dads and moms. He seemed good at it, and he seemed like a decent guy. Could he be good President? I wondered. Maybe? Maybe? No. Definitely not.
-Alaska (pop 670,000) isn’t even really a state. I say this because I lived in Hawaii for two years, and people in those time zones are not Americans like you and I are Americans. They are, and I respect them for it, drop outs, wackos, outliers, bushmen, looking at the mainland (Alaskans call it "Outside") with distrust and envy, like a successful pompous cousin they have to endure at Thanksgiving, the one who doesn’t know shit about shit and won't let you forget that you still haven’t paid back that 5 grand they loaned you.
-Her education was sketchy. 5 low tier colleges in 6 years, with no available records, ending up at University of Idaho, producer of such great American thinkers and leaders as…wait, hold on while I google it. Ok, ok, I recognize two names on the list, Mark Felt aka “Deep Throat” and former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, aka “Happy Feet”. After throwing her cap into the Moscow sky, she was so motivated to serve the people of this country that she didn’t waste time studying law or political science or international affairs, she went right back to serve her people as a sportscaster at KTUU Anchorage.
Now, Obama, the black guy with the single white mom, started at Occidental College, graduated from Columbia, went on to spend long days for little money helping the working poor in Chicago, and then went back to school and ended up President of the Harvard Law School Review. I myself didn't get into Harvard Law School (politics, man), but I'm not too bitter to acknowledge that Obama must have gotten his position because some of the brightest young leaders in the country recognized intelligence and leadership potential in their classmate. Call me liberal elite (really, please, I like the way it sounds), but people that just disregard Obama’s type of achievement and commitment and celebrate W’s and Sarah Palin’s lack thereof are terrifying. The glorification of ignorance and mediocrity scares me as much as any problem in this country, more than terrorists, because it is destroying us from within.
I’m not saying Sarah Palin is definitely too stupid to do the job. Nevermind that she’s seems to have only recently taken an interest in large swaths of the world, like anywhere with alternating days and nights. Nevermind that she wanted to ban books and she doesn’t believe in evolution or that she didn’t know what Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac do exactly. She has shown that she is smart enough to read a speech by W’s speechwriter with the same snarky, nasty, petty sense of humor that fat white drunk Republicans slurp up like Ruths Chris’ mashed potatoes. She could turn out to be the next Hillary or even Oprah, for all I know, but, here are the things:
1. I DON’T KNOW. I have no idea how stupid or smart or good or evil she is because no one legitimate can vouch for this person. And there is no reason for me to give her the benefit of the doubt when my childrens’ future is at stake. There are plenty of qualified, vetted candidates out there. God I miss Huckabee.
2. JOHN McCAIN DIDN’T KNOW WHEN HE PICKED HER. He had met her once or twice. He doesn’t think she is his soul mate, he thinks she’ll fire up the bible base that can't wait until he gets fast tracked to hell and another leader with God at the top of her speed dial can start holy wars and select Supreme Court Justices. He barely tolerates Bush, but he chose a Barbie Bush because he knows that if you prop up a small-minded, downhome fella or gal the downhome dumbos will go bananas, and the downhome dumbos are a way bigger voting bloc than hockey moms. He cynically chose someone who would be more useful to his campaign than to his country. He also chose someone who polarizes us further, making red and blue voters start to circle each other like cagefighters again. We desperately need the opposite of Sarah Palin. We need to find people and ideas we can agree on and focus on them for awhile. And for all of the above, he has lost my consideration.
3. YOU CRAZY PEOPLE, THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING LIKE PRINCESS DIANA JUST REINCARNATED AT THE XCEL ENERGY CENTER…YOU DON’T KNOW SARAH PALIN EITHER.
Don’t tell me you do, you placard waving imbeciles, because you don’t. You’re allowed to see something in Sarah that I don’t, fair enough, but wait at least a few weeks before you tell me you're in love. I fully flipped on this when I heard that my brother-in-law had joined, literally, the Sarah Palin Fan Club. He is the only informed and intelligent Palin backer I've encountered, and I’m not sure why he is so infatuated (I'll hear soon enough). Is it the glasses? Her sassiness? Her ethics? (You know who was big into ethics? Larry Craig. And Eliot Spitzer.) My brother-in-law is currently an ex-pat, observing the race from his villa on a Carribean island, so maybe he identifies with his new heroine’s “outside the beltway” perspective.
It doesn’t matter what he likes about Sarah, my point is that his attraction is inherently superficial, because he didn’t know Sarah Palin from Tina Fey before August 29th. He, like half of this crazy country, just got to third base on the first date with the hottest thing in Wasilla, and now they’re ring shopping. Surely, you all, in your personal lives, wouldn’t rush into such a commitment (unless maybe your mother’s political career depended on it). Surely you agree that it takes 100 days to get to know the real person in a relationship, but Senator McCain didn't give us 100 days. So, you all made up your tidy little minds in 6. But if she turns out to be a nut job on Day 88, like so many crushes do, we all pay for it.
If you are tired of reading, here is Mr. Matt Damon’s surprisingly incisive rant on the subject of “Who the heck is Sarah Palin?”
He’s so down to earth, so plain spoken, not like those other Hollywood movie stars. Cute, too. He inspired me to write this entry. You know, I think he would be a great President.
And, finally, don’t compare Palin’s lack of experience to Obama’s. For 8 years, Obama was a State Senator from Illinois, representing a district with more citizens than some states, states like oh, say, Alaska. These are people from the heartland: blacks and Hispanics and (mostly) whites, hockey moms and corn moms and lacrosse moms and crack moms and gay dads, gun loving hunters and gun loving gangsters and their 7 year old drive-by victims. In other words, America. He has been one of our nation’s 100 Senators for over 3 and a half years. This is his sixth campaign. If he had any more experience he'd be a "Washington insider" like McCain.
He has written (well) two widely read books, and been on the campaign trail, with his every word, action, and association open to scrutiny and his dirt begging to be dug, for 19 nitpicking months. 21 times he had to go toe to toe with the health care mom, the original pit bull in a pantsuit, on the podium with the country watching. That kind of vetting may not be as tough as 5 years in an NVA prison camp, but it would leave most of us sobbing in the fetal position and begging for release. As someone who pays attention and gets information from a variety of media sources, I can say with 100% certainty that this man is not a Muslim terrorist plant (if he were, wouldn’t they have thought up a better name?) I wish I could be as certain about Sarah Palin, but I can’t, and neither can you.
At least, with McCain and/or Obama, things were guaranteed to get at least a little better. I’ve always liked McCain. He may be hot headed, past his prime, and possibly insane (who wouldn’t be after what he’s been through), yet he’s always been a candid, openminded and unorthodox Republican, so unorthodox that Rush and the other mullahs of right wing talk radio tried to bring him down with a fatwa. I was sure that the GOP would nominate the biblical bass playing governor or the shiny Mormon CEO, someone that would make the thought of having our country hijacked by the Red states again in November scarier than that old devil preaching on the doorstep in Poltergeist II.
“I’m asking for your vote, but I don’t really need it.”But when McCain sealed the deal in March, I finally had a pleasant choice in front of me: praline or chocolate chip cookie dough rather than the past menus of vanilla or dog poop. At the very least we’d have a warrior hawk in place of a chicken hawk, a man saved from a POW camp instead of a barstool, someone who has shown willingness to work with the other half of our country instead of treating them like a new maid after Laura’s pearl earrings went missing.
For sprinkles there was the giddy, audacious hope of a thoughtful, hip, wordly, eloquent, non-inflammatory, and, yes, half-black dude becoming President, which, almost everyone would have to admit would be bit of a good thing for many obvious reasons. With Obama we might even finally, in my lifetime, get a truly great politician. (Don’t tell me Reagan was great because he wasn’t. Reagan was charismatic and effective. Obama is charismatic and might be great.) The best case scenario made my heart race with excitement instead of the anxious palpitations that W. triggered in 2000 and 2004. Meanwhile, the worst case scenario of McCain was far better than present reality. As much as I thought Obama was the bomb, and as much as it appalled the Obama sheep, I was still undecided. John McCain had earned my consideration through service and attempts at bi-partisan reform, and I would be listening to what they both said and watching what they both did until the big day.
And what did John McCain do to moderates like myself? He Sarah Palined us, right in the back of the head. Governor of Alaska? Mayor of Wasilla? A spunky born-again pro-life dame to siphon off the disenfranchised Hillary crowd? Had his lost his mind entirely? But, as the rest of the country reacted, it became clear that the decision was not foolhardy. No, it was calculated, cunning, and inexcusable, inexcusable because it was purely political. Barack clearly mulled long and hard about who he could best command the most powerful military in the history of the world should he get gunned down like a moose, and he came up with as respectable and sound, though dull, a choice as could be made. John McCain went for the attractive hockey mom on a mission from God, who seemed both unfamiliar with and spiteful of the workings of the government she was supposed to lead.
Why Senator McCain? Tell us why?
To help you shake up Washington?
But Senator, that’s not a VP’s job.
What is the job? Even she doesn’t know. That’s real funny. Let’s clarify, though, really, because this is kind of important. A VP’s job, especially when her P is 72 and clearly having good days and bad days, is to be ready to lead this country on Day 1. Not to get ready…the Vice Presidency is not a journey of personal discovery. Beat. Smirk. She should have spent the last 12 to 30 years getting ready, perhaps showing some interest in the doings of the United States of America (other than asking it for money and then making fun of it later for giving it to her). She should have been at least subscribing to The Economist and Foreign Affairs, becoming mildly familiar with the big crazy world she’ll be wrestling with in the case McCain has a stroke or starts smearing his own feces on the bathroom wall.
But she is not ready by any rational standard. And this is not debatable.
-Wasilla (pop. 9000) isn’t even a city. I live in a small city (pop. 20,000) which is way more complex than Wasilla, and I saw my mayor for the first time today as he gave a small speech to a small crowd in front of a giant check that the Tennis Association gave for the new courts at Memorial Field (which are great, by the way.) So, this is the type of shit mayors do, I thought, watching Jordan Glatt execute one of his actual duties and responsibilities while connecting with the tennis dads and moms. He seemed good at it, and he seemed like a decent guy. Could he be good President? I wondered. Maybe? Maybe? No. Definitely not.
-Alaska (pop 670,000) isn’t even really a state. I say this because I lived in Hawaii for two years, and people in those time zones are not Americans like you and I are Americans. They are, and I respect them for it, drop outs, wackos, outliers, bushmen, looking at the mainland (Alaskans call it "Outside") with distrust and envy, like a successful pompous cousin they have to endure at Thanksgiving, the one who doesn’t know shit about shit and won't let you forget that you still haven’t paid back that 5 grand they loaned you.
-Her education was sketchy. 5 low tier colleges in 6 years, with no available records, ending up at University of Idaho, producer of such great American thinkers and leaders as…wait, hold on while I google it. Ok, ok, I recognize two names on the list, Mark Felt aka “Deep Throat” and former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, aka “Happy Feet”. After throwing her cap into the Moscow sky, she was so motivated to serve the people of this country that she didn’t waste time studying law or political science or international affairs, she went right back to serve her people as a sportscaster at KTUU Anchorage.
Now, Obama, the black guy with the single white mom, started at Occidental College, graduated from Columbia, went on to spend long days for little money helping the working poor in Chicago, and then went back to school and ended up President of the Harvard Law School Review. I myself didn't get into Harvard Law School (politics, man), but I'm not too bitter to acknowledge that Obama must have gotten his position because some of the brightest young leaders in the country recognized intelligence and leadership potential in their classmate. Call me liberal elite (really, please, I like the way it sounds), but people that just disregard Obama’s type of achievement and commitment and celebrate W’s and Sarah Palin’s lack thereof are terrifying. The glorification of ignorance and mediocrity scares me as much as any problem in this country, more than terrorists, because it is destroying us from within.
I’m not saying Sarah Palin is definitely too stupid to do the job. Nevermind that she’s seems to have only recently taken an interest in large swaths of the world, like anywhere with alternating days and nights. Nevermind that she wanted to ban books and she doesn’t believe in evolution or that she didn’t know what Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac do exactly. She has shown that she is smart enough to read a speech by W’s speechwriter with the same snarky, nasty, petty sense of humor that fat white drunk Republicans slurp up like Ruths Chris’ mashed potatoes. She could turn out to be the next Hillary or even Oprah, for all I know, but, here are the things:
1. I DON’T KNOW. I have no idea how stupid or smart or good or evil she is because no one legitimate can vouch for this person. And there is no reason for me to give her the benefit of the doubt when my childrens’ future is at stake. There are plenty of qualified, vetted candidates out there. God I miss Huckabee.
2. JOHN McCAIN DIDN’T KNOW WHEN HE PICKED HER. He had met her once or twice. He doesn’t think she is his soul mate, he thinks she’ll fire up the bible base that can't wait until he gets fast tracked to hell and another leader with God at the top of her speed dial can start holy wars and select Supreme Court Justices. He barely tolerates Bush, but he chose a Barbie Bush because he knows that if you prop up a small-minded, downhome fella or gal the downhome dumbos will go bananas, and the downhome dumbos are a way bigger voting bloc than hockey moms. He cynically chose someone who would be more useful to his campaign than to his country. He also chose someone who polarizes us further, making red and blue voters start to circle each other like cagefighters again. We desperately need the opposite of Sarah Palin. We need to find people and ideas we can agree on and focus on them for awhile. And for all of the above, he has lost my consideration.
3. YOU CRAZY PEOPLE, THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING LIKE PRINCESS DIANA JUST REINCARNATED AT THE XCEL ENERGY CENTER…YOU DON’T KNOW SARAH PALIN EITHER.
Don’t tell me you do, you placard waving imbeciles, because you don’t. You’re allowed to see something in Sarah that I don’t, fair enough, but wait at least a few weeks before you tell me you're in love. I fully flipped on this when I heard that my brother-in-law had joined, literally, the Sarah Palin Fan Club. He is the only informed and intelligent Palin backer I've encountered, and I’m not sure why he is so infatuated (I'll hear soon enough). Is it the glasses? Her sassiness? Her ethics? (You know who was big into ethics? Larry Craig. And Eliot Spitzer.) My brother-in-law is currently an ex-pat, observing the race from his villa on a Carribean island, so maybe he identifies with his new heroine’s “outside the beltway” perspective.
It doesn’t matter what he likes about Sarah, my point is that his attraction is inherently superficial, because he didn’t know Sarah Palin from Tina Fey before August 29th. He, like half of this crazy country, just got to third base on the first date with the hottest thing in Wasilla, and now they’re ring shopping. Surely, you all, in your personal lives, wouldn’t rush into such a commitment (unless maybe your mother’s political career depended on it). Surely you agree that it takes 100 days to get to know the real person in a relationship, but Senator McCain didn't give us 100 days. So, you all made up your tidy little minds in 6. But if she turns out to be a nut job on Day 88, like so many crushes do, we all pay for it.
If you are tired of reading, here is Mr. Matt Damon’s surprisingly incisive rant on the subject of “Who the heck is Sarah Palin?”
He’s so down to earth, so plain spoken, not like those other Hollywood movie stars. Cute, too. He inspired me to write this entry. You know, I think he would be a great President.
And, finally, don’t compare Palin’s lack of experience to Obama’s. For 8 years, Obama was a State Senator from Illinois, representing a district with more citizens than some states, states like oh, say, Alaska. These are people from the heartland: blacks and Hispanics and (mostly) whites, hockey moms and corn moms and lacrosse moms and crack moms and gay dads, gun loving hunters and gun loving gangsters and their 7 year old drive-by victims. In other words, America. He has been one of our nation’s 100 Senators for over 3 and a half years. This is his sixth campaign. If he had any more experience he'd be a "Washington insider" like McCain.
He has written (well) two widely read books, and been on the campaign trail, with his every word, action, and association open to scrutiny and his dirt begging to be dug, for 19 nitpicking months. 21 times he had to go toe to toe with the health care mom, the original pit bull in a pantsuit, on the podium with the country watching. That kind of vetting may not be as tough as 5 years in an NVA prison camp, but it would leave most of us sobbing in the fetal position and begging for release. As someone who pays attention and gets information from a variety of media sources, I can say with 100% certainty that this man is not a Muslim terrorist plant (if he were, wouldn’t they have thought up a better name?) I wish I could be as certain about Sarah Palin, but I can’t, and neither can you.
posted by D&d at 9:22 AM
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